If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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