He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
