Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
