her vagine was all disorganized.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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