I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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