a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
