Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
