The maid of honor just puked.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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