Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
