I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I love you.
Bad choice
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
