If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
sex in a hospital.. check
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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