This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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