the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
