Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
