Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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