i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
