WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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