I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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