It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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