just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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