I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
