Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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