Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
