please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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