he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
