I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
