I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
