Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
