My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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