He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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