someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
