So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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