Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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