I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
