new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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