I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
