Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
