Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
