I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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