mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
