Dual....:-)
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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