Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
