That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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