i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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