they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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