I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
