Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He better not be in your backpack
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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