what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
