I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
