what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
