toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
