I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
