She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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